Fairytales are for Princesses, not Spazzy Gay Guys
by Don'tKillKenny
Summary: And then, I remember, fairytales are for princesses, not twitchy, flaming, closeted, homosexuals living in redneck towns. And, I'm not his Snow White, I'm just one of the dwarfs... Written from Tweek POV. Creek, Cromas, Style, please R&R! Rating may go up
1. Chapter 1

**Fairytales are for Princesses, not Twitchy Gay Guys **

Everybody thinks I'm a disappointment, I know it! They always say I'm not, that I'm fine just the way I am, but I know they're lying. I was disappointing people, even as soon as I was born!

My Mom and Dad really wanted a girl, and for some reason were sure that I was one. They never seemed to think things out too well. They had bought some pink and purple clothes, decorated my room with pink and purple paint, and bought a book full of princess fairytales. I guess its no wonder I am the way I am now.

Every night, since my parents couldn't afford to change my wardrobe or my books yet because the coffee shop wasn't doing too well, my Mom would tuck me in and read me a bed time story. Apparently, my favorite was Snow White. Even now, I still find it beautiful to think that she was asleep for so long, poisoned within, and then the prince from her past came back and saved her with a simple kiss.

I would fall asleep to dreams of princes and fairytales. That must have contributed to me being gay now; sleeping underneath my pink and purple lace comforter, dreaming of being saved by a prince.

Soon after that, my parents started giving me coffee. I was always sort of a nervous kid, I guess, but it had to have worsened by at least ten times after they started stuffing my body full of caffeine. Even worse, I started pre-school after that.

I never had any friends there, and they always laughed at me, 'the twitcher'. Of course, that only fueled my newfound paranoia. My parents assured me that everything was fine, they could never seem to focus on the real problems, just keep talking about stupid coffee-related metaphors!!!!!!!! AUGH!

One day, when I was sitting in the corner, my only means to avoid Trent, the bad kid, alarms started going off. I looked over and saw the teacher on fire. Everyone was screaming, oh my god, even now I can't help but think about how much pressure that was! And since, at the time, I had absolutely no idea how to deal with my serious pressure issues (yeah, my parents overlook that too), I just broke down and cried. The fire was spreading and I couldn't move from that corner, and no one saw me, or cared enough to save me. At least that was what I thought.

"Come on, we have to get out of here!" A high-pitched nasal voice called out to me. I look up and saw a blonde boy tugging on my arm, with a brunette boy and a black one screaming at him to hurry up. I just ran along with him, and soon we were outside. The parents rushed to the school as soon as they heard, and my parents saw me freaking out, so they gave me more coffee. I decided to muster up the courage to thank my hero.

"H-h-h-h-hi, ERG, th-thanks f-for saving my life, I-I owe you one. GAH!" I had a terrible stutter. He just look at me, and stared.

"Sure, no problem, just try to move faster next time." And with that, he walked away with his parents. I found out later that his name was Craig Tucker. Yeah, I know, he's actually a blonde, it's weird! And almost every night I could sleep, for years, I dreamed of my prince Craig coming to save me.

Then, there was that time in grade three, where Stan and Kyle told me that Craig hated me. I had no idea what to think, and then I saw him flip me off, it was way too much for me to handle! So, I called him a jerk, all I could do. We were arranged to fight after school.

That day at lunch, he confronted me. He looked all tough, and strong, I wished I could be like that too. I think that I was just twitching there like an idiot, just like in pre-school. I still wonder if he even remembers that.

"Why would you say I'm a poop-eater? What have I ever done to you?"

"Huh? I never said that! GAH! You're the one who said you chose me!"

"What, I thought you chose me!"

"NO!"

"Ok, guess there's nothing really for us to fight about then." And so, he left. I was left there to think about how cool he was. I knew even then that something was wrong with me for thinking like that, but Mom and Dad said it was simply a phase that would pass. Yeah, they had said that it was a phase for four fucking years at that point!

Eventually, we did fight. We both tied. We both ended up in the hospital and killed Kenny (GAH! We're bastards! Too much pressure!). We somehow managed to become friends in that hospital room, and hung out with him and his 'gang' after that. Well, for a while at least. Then, Kenny died, what we thought was permanent this time.

I ended up becoming Stan, Kyle, and Cartman's new friend after that. I left Craig's group and joined them.

"What, are we not good enough for you now or something, princess?" Craig confronted me. It felt odd, him calling me princess. At the same time, now that I think about it, I did really deserve that. I guess that I was hoping that I could prove to everyone that I wasn't a coward, and more importantly, to Craig.

Craig was probably the bravest guy I knew, and still is. And one thing I knew about Craig was that he didn't like scrawny cowards, like me. And if you really wanted to be known as brave, you hung out with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. They always got themselves into weird 'adventures of sorts.

"Well, maybe this could ERG be good for me? After all, a little adventure never GAH hurt a-a-anybody, r-right?" I hated confrontations with Craig. It was, and probably still is, one of the scariest things in the world; even scarier than getting the genitals chopped off and fed to rabid chimpanzees, or the damned underpants gnomes kidnapping me while I sleep one night. OH GOD I'VE JUST SCARED MYSELF!!! GAH!!!!!!

"Yeah, adventure as in, trying to learn how to ride a bike, or go on a hike with friends through the mountains, not the kinds of adventures those guys have, don't you know ANYTHING? You know what, whatever, I don't care. This is what you want to do, fine. I just don't care anymore." And with that, he walked away. I just wanted to cry.

Surely enough, he was right. It wasn't long before Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were hunting me down for the original print of Indiana Jones. And surely enough, just as soon as Kenny miraculously came back from the dead again, they didn't care and just stopped hanging out with me. Now, for the hardest part; begging Craig to let me back in.

Well, I knew that Craig probably wouldn't forgive me so readily, so I decided to try to get in through Thomas, Clyde, or Token. Either one would probably be forgiving. I guessed that Thomas would be the best option, because he and I could relate very well. For some reason, everyone thought we hated each other. Sure, his tics would scare the shit out of me, but that was about it. Otherwise, he was a spastic blonde, just like me!

"H-h-hey Tweek, how are COCKSUCKER you?" He cringed as he screamed out his tic again. Most people learned to just ignore it. After all, we all knew he genuinely couldn't control it, unlike Cartman the one time he faked Tourette's.

"I'm fine. L-listen, ERG Thomas, c-could I ask you a large, perhaps dangerous AH favor?" Oh god, I was so happy that I wasn't him. I'd be scared shitless to do what I was about to ask Thomas to do.

"Uh, well, now it completely depends on what." Wow, no tics, impressive!

"C-could y-you g-get m-me b-back into the g-g-g-g-g-g-g-group?" That was probably one of the worst stutters I've ever had.

"Oh, well SHIT sure, I don't FUCK see why not? As long as Craig BITCH doesn't mind." He began to turn a deep scarlet color. Poor guy.

So, that lunch, I sat with them. It was probably one of the most nerve-racking things I'd ever done. It would have a normal person shaking, so I was just past the point of no return. Craig wasn't there yet, so it was fine. Token was weary.

"You know, Tweek, Craig actually wouldn't even let us talk about you, so I'm not sure, for your own safety, if you sitting here is a good idea." He didn't mean it in a cruel get-the-hell-away-from-us way, he did mean it for my own safety.

"I know, but I've got nowhere else to go!" Token, and Jimmy too, looked sympathetically at me, and went back to their food. Sure enough, along came Clyde who was right behind Craig.

"So then I told her, 'well babe, if you want, my Dad actually owns a-" And he crashed right into Craig, who stopped dead in his tracks. It had caused Clyde to nearly crush his taco.

"Dude, what did you do that for!?" Then, he saw me. He could only let out a simply 'oh'. He figured that then would be a good time to get around him and quietly sit down on the edge of the table beside Token. It was silent for a few seconds, but oh man, the pressure and tenseness made it feel like an eternity! No one said anything. We all just looked at Craig. Well, except,

"TIMMY! Tim-timmah?" Well, at least the ice was somewhat broken?

"What are you doing here?" Heh, he always managed to sound like nothing was a big deal; just like it was a curious thing that didn't really bother him much.

"J-j-just s-s-s-s-s-sitting? Erg, i-is that a-a-al-alright?" Damn, I left to join Stan and Kyle to seem brave, not just prove how much of a coward I was!

"Why? Aren't you friends with Stan and Kyle? Oh, did they ditch you when Kenny came back? Ditching for somebody else, where does that sound familiar?" He didn't even sound spiteful, and for me to believe that he was actually personally hurt by my actions would have been a foolish mistake. Craig always hated being ditched by others.

"I-I-I-I-I OH GOD! I'M SORRY! YOU WERE RIGHT!! YOU WERE RIGHT! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!!" I practically broke into tears. Yep, definitely a moment that showed my evolving gayness. Craig just rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." He said that…somewhat spitefully. Well, it wasn't total spite, right? Getting somewhere at least. However, he smacked Clyde right in the head with his tray as he passed to sit on the other side of Token in a piised-off demeanor.

"GOD DAMNIT why are you punishing me? He's the guy you're mad at!" Glad it's Clyde getting the anger, not me.

Things got better and nothing went wrong for a long time, well, except for when Craig went to Peru for a few days. Giant guinea pigs attacking the town, and my parents were not helping me at all! I thought I was going to die! But he came back, stopped the guinea pigs, and everything was back to normal for years to come. And then, our junior year of high school, grade eleven came, this year.

I fully admitted to myself to being gay in the summer when I woke up from a wet dream…with Craig. Actually, it was even more disturbing because I was dressed in a blue, red, and white princess dress, and he was in a red prince outfit. Then, I saw all of my other friends who looked like dwarves standing beside us as we kissed. I wasn't sure which was more disturbing, this version of Snow White, or the one where everybody melted into some sort of demon like form that I began to dream when I first started drinking coffee.

So, here we are, in the present day. Wow, thinking about the past, really reminds me that I am a fag. It also reminds me that for god's sakes, fairytales are for little girls and princesses, not spastic flaming technically closeted homosexuals in redneck towns like me. I really am-RING!!!!

"GAH!!!!!!!! OH JESUS CHRIST!" Wow, so in my own thoughts that I didn't even realize it was English class now. Clyde, Token, Stan, and Kenny who were in the same class as me, started to laugh.

"Wow, that was probably the best spaz moment so far!" Stan joked. "Too bad Kyle wasn't here to see it!" Yeah, yeah, keep on laughing…

We all walked out into the hall together, me trying to ignore the people's odd glances, and everybody else just trying to find our friends. Our high school, Park County High, was a compilation of all the students from all the small towns in the area. We were actually a pretty big school, I think there was about 600 of us (yeah, yeah, still not huge, but a good size).

Our grade was called the Park County Juniors, and we all hated that because every other grade and school laughed at us because we were the PCJ, which we found out later meant Pre-Cum-Jizz or something.

"Hey, Craig! You probably missed the greatest spazz attack Tweek has ever had!" Clyde laughed. Ha ha ha.

"Erg, I didn't mean to!" I said blinking only one of my eyes as I twitched my way through that sentence.

"Come on COCKS guys, not being able to control yourself really PUSSY sucks." Thomas cringed after he finished that. I feel bad for him because he feels so bad about what others have to put up with. If he didn't know that Craig actually personally prided himself on being able to hang out with him, then he truly was the douchiest idiot I had ever met. Lucky bastard…

"Whatevah guys, lets go to lunch now! I'm starvin'" Cartman, always putting food before everything else. His green eyes looked hungrily towards the cafeteria, and he marched forward, brown hair swaying slightly behind him. He was still a fat ass, but looked a little slimmer then when he was a kid. Actually, everybody looked different.

Kyle was about 5'10, so not super tall, and had tamed his red hair with lots of Marc Anthony hair products. One time, he tried to straighten it, and his hair went nearly half way down his back! And it was the day before grade 6 grad, so it was freaking hilarious! Only Stan was sympathetic to his cause.

Stan, who grew to a whopping 6'1, was the star quarterback of the PCC, Park County Cows. Don't know how South Park managed to get their mascot to win; I would have chosen the Park County Stallions, as did almost everyone else. Now we were stuck with a cow running around the field, and poor Butters who somehow got stuck as the mascot, kept on tripping over the gigantic udder. Anyways, back to Stan now. His brown eyes go nicely with his slightly longer-than-normal black hair, but everyone always thinks he has blue eyes, and I can't figure out why.

Clyde, blue eyes, short brown hair, and only slightly chubby at most, still looked the same, and was taller than Kyle, shorter than Stan. Token, taller than all of us at 6'3, still looked the same and had kind of Jamaican looking hair for some reason. Looked good on him though. Kenny, still skinny, being poor and all, stooped wearing his hood and wore an orange vest jacket everyday that showed off his muscular arms and complimented his aqua eyes and long blonde hair nicely. He and Clyde became the lady-killers of the school. Butters, still looked the same, actually more like a girl now, and still acted the same to everybody. Jimmy, Timmy, still the same, just taller. Yep, everybody looked the same, even me, with my hazel eyes that practically literally popped out of my face. And of course Thomas, fairly hot (wow, I am gay), but still looked the same.

But then, there was Craig. He was the same height as Stan, with hair the color of the night sky. His grey eyes sparkled like the moon. His smile, perfected after years of braces, could brighten the entire room. He had a nicely toned body, not too many muscles, but not lacking; just nice and perfect. He still wore his blue hat. And he had the cutest hint of freckles on his face, but just a hint so you had to look closely to see. The girls were smart on the actual list to have made Craig the hottest (well, at least I heard he was the hottest from somewhere). It's at times like these that I realize how incredibly, super duper gay I really am. I'm an even faggier fag than Mr. Garrison! Yeha! Go me!

"Hey guys, anyone wanna go out to the movies this weekend or something? You know, just sort of hang out?" Kyle was always the planner of our get-togethers. I really thought, and so did everybody else, that he was gay for Stan, and vise-versa. After all, Stan did mysteriously dump Wendy for some reason….

"Sure." Everybody said through mouthfuls of food. Yep, all slobs. I just sipped on my warm coffee in my Harbucks thermos and watched everybody else, like I always did. Then, someone lightly tapped me on the shoulder.

"Tweek, can I SHIT talk to you MOTHER FUCKER privately and discretely COCK MASTER well, as discretely as possible in the bathroom right now?" Ow, my ears hurt. He screamed obscenities into my ear very loudly trying to be quiet. Not his fault, not his fault, but still, owwwwwww. I just nod, and everybody stares at us, clearly something is up with Thomas.

We got there quickly, and we stayed quiet. No one else was there, and he just stared at the floor, his back turned to, while I stood a good distance behind him staring at his back. Hmm, he was wearing a checkered shirt again today. Looks good with his hair. GOD DAMNIT ANOTHER FAG MOMENT! If I keep having these, I'll get busted for sure. ACK!

"So, is there something you need or-"

"I'm gay for Craig and I'm going to tell him tonight."

We stood in silence for what felt like eternity. I tried to congratulate him on coming out, I really did, because I know it can be hard, but still, wow… we need something to break the silence, I think.

"SHIT MASTER!!!"

"GAH!"

Maybe not.

AN: Ok, well, there it is, my first chapter. Hoped you all like it. I'll try to update soon, this is my first attempt at a Creek or Cromas fic. Not great, and I wanted to get Tweek's character right, but I got the feeling that he was different inside then out, I don't know, your opinions are appreciated! Chapter will hopefully be funnier later!


	2. Style, Alcohol, and Pornography, oh my!

Chapter Two: Style, Alcohol, and Pornography, oh my!

"Please BUTT FUCKER Tweek, I-I really need you behind me on this one…I mean, no one has ever been able to u-understand me before, you know? But you have. Please, Please, I need you SHIT BRAIN!" Thomas, though giving a beautiful speech, was hard to listen to with all the cussing and jealousy he had no idea I had. I wonder if I'm that hard to listen to. Oh god, I bet I am. Why the hell do people put up with me?

That's what I hate most about Thomas. Like, he's a great friend, good person and all, but I just…it drives me mad that his insane spasms make him more popular than mine do. Mine, people think I'm hyped up on crack, and so therefore no one wants to talk to me. When we were twelve, I was the only one who couldn't get a babysitting job because the parents didn't want to have their children being watched by 'some drugged up pre-teen with acne who will probably rob the house for crack while we aren't looking'. Yeah, that's right, I had some of the worst acne in the grade. Cartman said that he thought he would do his science fair about whether high doses of caffeine cause acne. Asshole.

Even worse, he was right. He did the experiment, don't know how, and he was right! He said it was funny enough to be true, so he didn't have to publish it. But girls were so afraid of getting acne that they didn't go to my parents shop for months! They still think kissing me will somehow give them acne…

Aw shit, I'm rambling again. Oh well, still, Thomas is making me so mad! Not only is he considered cool and lucky, but Craig loves him even more because of it. He always brags about being able to hang out with Thomas alone. He even asks me if I've seen Thomas so he can invite Thomas to a cool, elusive party! WHY WOULD HE TELL ME THAT?! It just makes me feel worse about myself! Craig may look like a god, but he is a total dumb ass.

And now, I feel like I've sinned for calling my God a dumb ass. Is it wrong to do that? I mean, that French kid Christophe does it all the time. Wait, isn't worshipping something or someone else as a god instead of God even worse. Shit, I'm going to hell. Well, Kenny says they throw wicked awesome luaus. I've never been to a luau before…

"Oh god, SHIT I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Tweek, please, pretend this didn't happen!" Thomas started to cry. Damn it, I had a thought or memory attack like I did in English again! Oh no, think fast think fast…

"Go ahead and do it! I think Craig like GAH you anyways! Go on, do it! Don't be ashamed of who you are! He likes you more than everyone anyways, I bet he'd be thrilled! And even if he isn't, he wouldn't pass you up as a friend I swear it! I'll still be behind you! GAH!!!!! ARGH!" WHAT WAS I THINKING? Yeah, I'm a supportive bff or whatever the girls call it, but still, I've told him to do it. Oh well, I was talking so fast that maybe he didn't hear it. Oh, I hope he didn't hear it..

"Thanks FAGGOT Tweek. I knew I could count on you. I know it's a lot to load off on somebody. You really are the best friend any FUCKER guy could ask for." And there he has that adorable little smile again. God I hate that smile. It's so adorable, it's no wonder Craig likes him so much. Oh, fag alert! Fag alert!

Heh, I just realized he called me a faggot back there. Wonder if he meant to do that. If not, his tics sure know a lot more than anyone else does.

We headed back to the cafeteria in silence. I was twitching, and Thomas wasn't even yelling out obscenities. He was just in blissful silence. I wasn't. I wanted to cry, run away, and murder him all at the same time. Is that normal?

"Hey, where'd you two twitchy assholes go?" Cartman said that between mouthfuls of food, and my and Thomas's food might I add. Oh well, we weren't going to eat it anyways.

"Yeah, where were you?" Oh my god, he said that in the sexiest way ever, I think I'm going to start drooling right now.

"Tweek man, what's wrong, You hungry? You're kind of drooling man. You can have some of my taco if you want it that much…" Shit, I was actually drooling. Well, better eat it with that excuse than people knowing I was drooling over Craig. Hey, this taco is pretty good!

"Anyways, guys, I say we hang out tonight. Besides, I don't think any of us have much homework, and my parents are in Denver until tomorrow! And come on, it's Friday anyways, and we always do things with the girls, let's just have a guys night out!" Thomas loved Kyle's idea. I hated it. It was too good an opportunity for Thomas. Especially since any 'guy's night out' ends up getting more booze than any other party we would ever have! Besides, with girls there's at least sex, the possibility of sex, or oncoming sex to distract us! And Craig does seem to be a sucker for girls so it would be harder for Thomas!

_And harder for me._

Damn it, I hate it when I realize my own plans don't work out. And before I know it, everyone agreed to have a guy's night out at Kyle's at seven o'clock tonight, five minutes ago! I need to do something about this stupid ADD…

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Well, before I know it, it's seven o'clock, and everybody is already at Kyle's house.

"Gosh, this sure was an awfully good idea Kyle! No stupid girls around to bring us down!" Classic Butters, hasn't changed since fourth grade, and he is still absolutely adorable. Another gay moment! Woohoo!

"Yes, it was indeed a splendid idea, I think!"

"Who the hell invited Pip?"

Well, this was just another ordinary party. People are really hard on Pip. I never minded him much, besides, I think he has a pact with Satan! Whenever something particularly bad happens to him, other people mysteriously burn. OH MY GOD PIP IS A WITCH! Or would he be a wizard?

"Cartman, don't piss him off, or Damien is going to set you on fire again!" Stan screamed at him.

"No, don't stop him, it's fucking hilarious seeing the fat-ass on fire!" Haha, I don't care what anybody thinks, I think Token is a born comedian!

"Ay!"

"Hey guys, has anybody seen Craig or Thomas?" Shit, where are they? Clyde was right, they are gone! Oh no, Thomas has probably already told him! Oh no, they're probably kissing right now and feeling each up and saying they love each other and-and

"Clyde, I'm right here, don't worry man! God, you're more paranoid than Tweek!" Craig joked, at my expense, again. Well, maybe he'll like me because of that. Yeah, Thomas can swear, but I don't say anything when people make fun of me. Aw, who am I kidding, I just don't have any balls, and Craig hates that.

"AH!"

"Hey man, don't make fun of Tweek like that, he's awesome!" I like Clyde. He defends me. More than anyone else does.

"Ooh, Clyde, are you having emotions for Tweek?" Stupid Stan, always accusing everyone of being gay.

"Not as gay as you and Kyle!" Everyone was quiet, and stared at me. Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that. I never say things like that! I'm the quiet kid who listens and overanalyzes what people say, I don't actually come up with comebacks like that, especially not ones that hit so close to home like that.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy crap, Tweek! I never knew you had it in you! I knew someone would eventually complete point it out, but _Tweek_ had to do it?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Well, Cartman supported me, that's a…good thing?

Oh no, Kyle just stormed off. And Stan is going after him. And everyone is just staring at me. And Thomas had a particular look of disgust in his eyes, and so did Kenny.

"Wow, dude, didn't know you were like that…" Damn Kenny can be judgmental.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-"

"Don't bother Tweek, we don't care." Craig said that in an especially cold manner. Oh no, what have I done…

Uh-oh, things are about to get a lot worse…

I ran away, and started to cry. I ran as fast as I could into the backyard, hoping to just hide in Kyle's clubhouse. Besides, knowing them, they'll think I have gone home. They know I'd be worried about getting a cold or air poisoning from mould up there. Wait, could I?

I hopped up, not particularly gracefully into the clubhouse and…what the hell?

"Tweek damn it! Get out of here! We're busy!" Stan screamed at me, without his shirt…wow.

"GAH! W-w-what's going o-o-on?"

"Come on Stan, we can tell him. Besides, we need to thank him in a way. And, it's about time they found out anyways. We've been you-know-what-ing ever since you broke up with Wendy."

"ERK! Y-you two are dating? Well, good for you!"

"What?" They both said in unison.

"I-I meant to apologize for what I said, but really, I-I'm glad y-y-you two had the courage to come out to each other. A-a-after all, c-can't be easy, especially in a redneck town like this and all. I'd be afraid of what they'd say…"

"Well, thanks Tweek, that means a lot. But frankly, we are too. So please, don't tell anyone. Especially not the fat-ass…or Craig." Stan said that solemnly.

"I-I understand, but what's w-w-w-w-wrong with C-c-c-c-c-craig?" Wow, yet another really bad stutter. But what is wrong with Craig?

"It's just that, I get the feeling that he's really homophobic, and I just think it would be better not to tell him. Besides, you should know him by now; he's short-tempered, and well, kind of intolerant." Was Kyle implying that Craig, MY Craig, was short-tempered and intolerant? That Craig wasn't perfect?

Alright, who was I kidding on the short-tempered on, but _intolerant?_ He's totally tolerant! Besides, he got mad at me inside! Or was that because he and Thomas just got gay? Oh shit, bad images!

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

"I'm sorry Tweek, it's just that he is! I didn't mean to upset you!" Right, they can't read my thoughts. Should have known that. Wait, what they hell…OW!

I think I just fell out of the tree. I think I just broke my arm. I look up and Stan and Kyle, both shirtless (and pretty damn fine! Damn it, fag moment again!) just jumped down. Oh sure, God gave them the grace to jump down on their feet, but I had to look like an idiot.

"Oh fuck man, you look hurt, here let's get you inside." Stan helped me up on one side, Kyle on the other. Actually, they look kind of funny, because Stan is doing all the work, Kyle is just kind of there. We look like on of those tripod things, but one of the legs is busted, and somehow one leg is…really muscular? I think that was a bad analogy.

They rushed past inside and started helping me upstairs.

"Holy shit, what the hell happened to Tweek?" Kenny yelled.

"Why the hell aren't you wearing shirts?" Well, I would like to thank Kenny for his concern, but I think that Token there asked the more interesting question. Well, he didn't sound like it amazed him, just sort of an odd curiosity.

"Tweek fell out of the tree, we're just going upstairs to help him out and let him relax."

"What was COCK-MASTER Tweek doing in a tree?" Ha, I wish I were a cock-master. Than maybe Craig would like me…you're the cock-master Thomas!

No one answered because they already helped me into Kyle's parents' room. Wow, they're fast! Good for them.

"Just wait here Tweek, we're going to see if we can get a car or something." Stan said in a calming tone. Then, I was alone. I kind of was hoping someone would come up to visit me, but no one did. I was alone, for fifteen minutes, and it felt like an eternity. Then, Kyle, Clyde, and Token walked in together.

"Alright Tweek, here's what's going on. We need to take you to a hospital because you probably broke your arm when you landed on it."

"GAH!"

"But, we can't find you a ride, so we're going to have to wait until tomorrow, and the hospital says that they're loaded, so you'd probably have to wait until tomorrow for any service anyways, so you'll just have to sleep here tonight."

"OH SWEET JESUS!"

"And, we're going to have to put your arm in a sling to make sure it doesn't get any worse than it is, or somehow cause an open-skin fracture."

"OH CHRIST!"

"But don't worry Tweek, I promise everything is going to be alright. We'll be really careful, and we'll get you to the hospital first thing tomorrow morning, okay?" Well, at least Kyle ended on a more positive note. So, I just stifle a nod and bury my head further into the pillow while staring up at the ceiling.

"Don't worry man. We're going to stay here with you tonight." Aww, Clyde is such a sweetie! Oh shit, that wasn't a fag moment, I just sounded like my Mom!

"And to make it better, we brought some booze and porno magazines!" Clyde sounded quite excited when he said that. Not quite as much of a sweetie anymore…

"But they won't get you too excited because you know…you can't do much with your arm so how could you….aw whatever. Let's drink!" We all decide to cheer to that, and occasionally glance at a photo of a naked woman. I've seen Cartman's mom about four times now, and we laugh every time that we do. We keep on drinking steadily, allowing the taste of the alcohol to glide gracefully down our throats. I've never been one for drinking, but this is actually kind of nice! We keep doing this for about two hours, and each have had about seven cans of beer each, and we're getting really wasted.

"Duuuuuude, that chick looks like a guy!" Clyde slurred his words together, and snickered like a hyena at the end. Wow, she did look like a guy! Wait a minute…

"Clyde, that is a guy! Holy fuck! Kyle has gay porn! He is gay!" Token also slurred his words together and started to laugh. I somewhere heard that black guys could hold their liquor better than white guys, but that didn't seem to be the case. He was just as wasted as we were. We started to flip through the gay porn and responded simultaneously.

"Woh…WOH!!!.....Wow….ah….AH!!!...HOLY SHIT CLOSE THE MAGAZINE!" Oh my god! How do they do that? Doesn't that hurt like hell?! The three of us just looked at each other in drunken terror.

"Wow man, I don't know how they do that. They look like they like it though…" Clyde struggled to mumble.

"Hey…guys…have either of you ever had a homosexual fantasy?" That was probably one of the first things I said during our drinking fest.

"Heh, nooooooooooo." Token laughed out.

"Really? I have…" Clyde said in a way with a smile on his face, that it was obvious he would never say if he weren't wasted. This feels good. For some reason, I feel like it's okay to say these things. That it's normal…

"Okay fiiiiine, maybe I have, but whatever!" Token snickered. Clyde snickered. I snickered. We all snickered! Huh, I want a Snickers bar now…

"Have you ever thought of experimenting though?" Wow, I have never heard Token say anything like that before. We all laughed and opened up our ninth can of beer each and downed them. We all laughed, and then, it just got blurry…

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"Gerald! Oh my god, Gerald come quick!" Owwww, that really hurts my head. That's the second time someone has screamed in my ear today! Or maybe it was just a killer headache….

"What is it honey-OH MY GOD! BOYS!" Gerald Broflovski. I recognized that voice from anywhere. And I also recognized the piercing shriek of Sheila Broflovski. Ow…this hurts…what's the big deal?

Clyde, Token and I all start to groan as we wake up and look at each other. Wait, where are our clothes? Why are Token and Clyde on top of each other? WHY ARE THEY ON TOP OF ME? Why is my arm in a messed up position near their…oh my god, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???

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AN: Oh, cliffie there! Anyways, so sorry I haven't updated in so long! And sorry for the crappy ending too. Writers block. I know this chapter isn't very good, just bear with me. I just finished writing my exams, and doing my road test (which I passed, yay!) so I just wanted to get this done! I'll try getting in another update before my family heads off to vacation (we're going to Antarctica!). Anyways, please R&R!


	3. Token, Clyde and Tweek Made a Porno

Clyde, Token, and Tweek made a Porno

"Gerald! Come quick!"

The New York accent rang through my ears and made me feel pain that I didn't even know was possible. I'm not sure what I'm more scared about; the fact that I have Kyle's bitch mom determining whether or not she should freak out and call the cops or murder us right now, or the fact that I am naked with my arm lodged between Token and Clyde's "areas". What the hell did we do?

"Mrs. Broflovski, I am so sorry about this! But I guarantee that we will leave right now, pay for any damages done last night, and never bother you like this again if you just let us leave peacefully right now." Ah, Token, always the bargaining one.

"There were damages done to my house?!" Oh shit.

"Not necessarily, but there may have been some, that may not have necessarily been done by us."

"Who would have done it then?"

"Probably one of the other 20 people that were smashed here last night." That dumb-ass Clyde tried to say that under his breath, but he can't whisper to save his life.

"WHAT WHAT WHAT???" Fuck, we've done it now.

"Kyle! Kyle, come quick! These boys are saying you had a party last night without telling us, is this true?" We just stared at each other, grabbed what clothes we could and RAN.

"Hey, come back here! We need to determine if there should be a lawsuit!" Damn it, Kyle's dad's a lawyer, come on Tweek, RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're out of the house in a flash. See Tweek run. See Tweek run away from the Broflovski's. See Tweek run away from the Broflovski's in a pink cast and his underwear. Go Tweek go.

Pretty soon, we're in Clyde's house, where his parents luckily happened to not be at the moment. We were all gasping for air, and beet red in the face, except for Token, who just looked about the same as before.

"What….the….fuck….did….we…do?" Clyde gasped out in between breaths. I'm just kind of having a twitch-fit over in the corner, not really attached to this world physically, but I am mentally. Does that make any sense?

"I have no fucking clue." Oh, now see? How does Token do that? I don't understand how he could have just run for his life and been totally fine. Maybe it's a black person thing, I don't know. Is that racist? I mean, if it's positive then…

BUZZZZ!

"JESUS CHRIST!" What the FUCK was that?! Right, my stupid phone that the fat ass decided to program to vibrate so loudly that he could scare the shit out of me every time someone phoned or sent a text. We still can't figure out how to change it.

"GAH! H-hello?" Why can't I control my speech? My thoughts are so well coordinated in my head.

"W-well hi there Tweek! G-golly I-I think there's something you'd better see." Conversations between Butters and I truly are hopeless. Two obvious fags with terrible stutters.

"Urg! What?" I can feel my eyes winking. I'm amazed I haven't gotten in trouble for accidentally winking at a redneck yet.

"Go to 'hot sexy boys .com', i-it's pretty important…" Holy shit, that sounds like a porn site! Why would I want to go there?

"G-GAH! W-why?"

"Oh sweet virgin Mary…uh, well, you're on it…." WHAT?!

"WHAT?!" My thoughts are speech actually corresponded for once, wow. But still, WHAT?!

I run to the computer in Clyde's study, which is basically right next to the living room we were just lounging around in. It's hard to type with one arm. Clyde and Tweek are looking over my shoulder as they watch me enter in the address frantically. I bet if I could see them, it would be pretty darn funny. I can feel their eyes slowly beginning to widen with every letter I type in.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Damn, Clyde's nasally voice in my ear is kind of hot. I guess that's what I would picture Craig's voice as being….oh wait NO! FAG ALERT! FAG ALERT! RELEASE THE HOUNDS! FAG ALERT!

The website is taking a while to load, and lots of ads for other porn sites are coming on. It's amazing, every single one is a gay porn site, and oh sweet Jesus there's Mr. Garrison. I should be surprised, but I've already seen him on the cover of 8 pornographic magazines. They weren't mine, they were Mr. Stotch's, how does Butters stand living with that man? Maybe homosexuality is genetic. Who in my family is gay. Oh god, my father's gay, isn't he? Well, no, my mothers has shown some odd likings in females, so she could be a lesbian…

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Token screamed at the screen. I guess it loaded, and I looked in horror. Not only was I on there, but so were Token and Clyde. And they were both…awkwardly positioning themselves around me. Oh god, I look like a dog with a bad limp because of that dumb cast. Wow, if I kept my balance throughout that whole ordeal, I'm impressed!

Clyde warily clicked on it, and saw that we had over 1,000,000 views overnight. Shit!

We watched the video in horror. At first we were laughing drunkenly, and then we decided that we should try making a porno. We all thought it would be fun and good money too. However, we had to pick who would be receiving. They picked me. Clyde went to my mouth, and Token my back, and just as they started…

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Wow, I've never seen Token freak out so much before. Clyde started to cry. Then the doorbell rang, and Stan screamed for us to let him in, knowing that we were here because he heard that we were running through the streets in our underwear. I started to cry too. Then Token started to cry. Stan looked at us with judging eyes. Token sniffled a bit, and Clyde and I bawled. We must look like such freaks right now.

"So you saw it, huh?" Stan asked, turning to us sitting at the computer. Clyde shyly nodded. There was an awkward silence, only filled by my annoyingly high-pitched sobs.

"Gotta say, it was pretty hot." Stan had no emotion in his voice. Did he just basically come out of the closet? The silence hung in the air, now with nothing filling it, until..

BUZZZZZ!

Fucking piece of shit! I screamed, and picked it up. It was Kyle.

"DUDE YOU MADE A PORNO IN MY PARENTS BEDROOM!!!" Why is everybody calling me about this? Token and Clyde have cell phones too. Clyde heard Kyle's voice shrieking in my ear, and he took the phone and between sobs said:

"It's not like they know, right?"

"Yes they know dude! My dad watched it!"

"Why did your dad watch?!"

"He saw me watching it after Bradley called Butters who called Cartman who called Craig who called Thomas who called Stan who called me."

"They ALL saw it?!"

"Well, Cartman got freaked out and only watched the first part of it, but he saw enough."

Oh my god, Craig and Thomas watched it. They BOTH watched it. Oh Jesus, after I insulted homosexuals yesterday. Oh my god. Token started to pace around Clyde's living room filled with cheesy daisy-covered things, obviously trying to think. Apparently Kyle's mother wants us to dry clean the sheets and buy them a new mattress. Kyle wants a new webcam. He says he doesn't want to use one that recorded such terrible drunken adventures. That was a word-for-word quote by the way. What a nerd.

"Alright, here's what we do. I'll try to get the website to take down the video. Clyde, you apologize to anyone who we know that watched the video. Tweek, you can just go home and try to relax." He shuddered. "It looks like you had a rough night last night."

Now that he mentions it, my butt does hurt like hell. Ouch. Maybe it's a placebo effect. Oh god, I need some coffee fast!

I stop by Harbucks on the way home and Dad gives me a free coffee. It doesn't seem like anything's different. Alright, he hasn't seen the video yet.

I down the coffee quickly as I do the first thing my mind wants me to do. I go to Craig's house, and plan to beg for forgiveness.

I walk up to his front door. Oh Jesus, he saw the video, I know he did. I don't think this is a good idea. I really don't think this is a good idea. I really, _really_, don't think this is a good idea. No, I'll just swallow my pride and do it. Who knows, maybe he'll have been so turned on by the porn that he'll-

DAMN IT, SNAP OUT OF IT TWEEK!!! You know he's with Thomas now, and he's a caring lover. He would never hurt Thomas like that. Craig is so sweet, and protective…

Shit, yet another fag moment. I really do think that my fag moments were the things that made the doctors diagnose me with ADD. That, and my overall hyperactivity from all the caffeine running through my systems. I'm not addicted; it's a different life choice, which was encouraged by my parents during early childhood….

I just realized I've been staring at the chip in his front door for five minutes. I really hope no one came by and watched me zone out. I can imagine how freaky that could look.

I finally get the courage to knock on the front door. I wait, and remember that I actually have to talk to him. Shit, that must be why I didn't want to come over here. Well, I'm a retard.

There's no answer. He's not there? Wow, I can't believe that the thought that he could have a life other than me and not be home right now never once crossed my mind. I guess I feel kind of bad about that.

I listen closely and hear some shuffling inside. It's going up the stairs. I peer into the window, and watch Craig walk up the stairs. Hey, he is here! Why didn't he answer? Oh wait, my knock doesn't sound like anything, because I usually barely tap it. I forgot about that too.

I see Thomas waiting at the top of the stairs for him, they say some things, and then walk back down the stairs and sit themselves in the little room beside the front hall to watch Craig's old TV. I hate how they're cuddling up together right now.

Well, I should disturb him, but I have officially gotten into that state of mind in which I have to tell Craig that I'm sorry. And I should apologize to Thomas too, because he is also my friend. I should be happy for them. I _should_ be, doesn't mean that I am. I'm a bad person, aren't I? Well, if the homosexuality didn't send me to hell, then this envy will.

Before I know it, I'm climbing up the tree in Craig's backyard that extends right outside his window. I've seen him sneak out of it multiple times. I'm stuck. I only have one arm, and I'm stuck in a fucking branch, right outside his window. Fuck. Alright, on the count of three, I launch myself from the tree to land safely on his bed. Okay, one…

This is a really bad idea. This is even worse than when I was going to talk to him at the door. What am I doing this?

_Two…_

I'm still counting the numbers. I should stop this. I really should.  
_Three! _

Before I know it, I've kicked myself out of the branch and back-flip into his closed window. Shit, that hurt!

I'm sitting on his roof, open his window, because I know he never locks it in case of emergencies like these, and slide into his room, landing on his bed, causing the springs the squeak as I land on them. _I'd love it if he caused the springs to squeak because he was doing me._ God damn it all!

I hear them walking up the stairs, talking about something. I can't hear because the closed door is muffling their voices. Shit, they're coming here!

I quickly close the window and hide under the bed. Oh god, please don't notice I'm here, please don't…

The mattress above me is pushed down so that it's almost crushing me. One of them sat down.

"Craig, don't worry about it. Whatever it is you FUCKER want to tell me, you can do it. I promise I won't SHIT be mad." I hear Craig sigh. He obviously wants to say something difficult. He had that same voice when Stripe died. That was a tragic event.

"I want to fuck Tweek." What?! There's a silence, but it's not awkward. In fact, Thomas, who is the one sitting on the bed, chuckles.

"I don't care. Everybody has." He didn't have a tick in that sentence. He's been getting better. Wait, everybody's wanted to fuck me?

"Everybody's wanted to fuck him?" See, we should be together. Our minds are in sync.

"Well, that too, but also everybody has FUCK fucked him." He could have let that tick go. Wait, what the hell?!

"What?!"

"When Tweek gets wasted, he COCK fucks anybody whose SKANKY willing. Hell, I did him once. I was drunk too in my defense, but not half as bad as he was." I slept with Thomas?! When the hell did that happen?!

"What the hell?! Who else has?"

"Butters, Kenny, Gregory a few times, Stan, Red goth, whatever his ASS name is, Pip, and obviously Clyde and Token." Oh my god, I can't believe it!

"So, it's not bad that I want to do this?" I hear Thomas chuckle again.

"No, hell, if you want, I'll do him with you. We can do it like FUCKERS Clyde and Token did. We just have to get him wasted enough."

There's another awkward silence. Damn it, I really want to be able to remember that. Maybe if I fake being drunk…

"Alright, we'll work on it on Monday. Besides, knowing Tweek, he's still probably freaking out about that gay comment he made last night and will do anything to make us forgive him. We'll say we'll forgive him if he comes over for drinks with us." Holy fuck!

I can sense that Thomas is smiling, and so is Craig. They feel so mischievous. Oh my god, this is soooo hot. Nothing can ruin how hot this is…

BUZZZZ!

AN: OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! Luckily, I'm done school now, so I should be able to update a lot more often. I'm so sorry about this! I am so so so sorry!

I hope you at least all enjoyed it!


	4. Taking the Bait

Taking the Bait

AN: Wow, thank you so much for all the reviews everybody! I've got to admit, I've been really bad at updating this story, and I feel so bad about it. I will try my best to do better. Besides, it's not like I have better things to do! Anyways, keep reviewing, I love hearing from you, and I will now start responding to reviews. If people want to give ideas, please feel free to. I'll give credit. Also, can someone be my beta? I'm finding a lot of grammatical areas/serious OOC things, and they're pissing me off. I'll be beta back if you want. Well, enjoy this chapter! Please read and review!

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck, what the hell am I going to do? Oh fuck, oh fuck, I know inner cursing won't help, but still, oh fuck. Quick, ignore call! Ignore call!

I've ignored call. Alright, I've ignored call. Craig, Thomas, please don't look under the bed. For the love of God and everything holy, or everything unholy from hearing your previous discussion, _please_ don't look under the bed!

"What the hell was that?" Craig is sounding casual, that's good. Oh dear god, please don't look under the bed.

I'm reminding myself of when I was six, eight, ten, twelve, or embarrassingly maybe even fourteen, and I was scared to see if there were any monsters or damned underpants gnomes hiding under the bed. Now I'm the monster or underpants gnome under the bed. Wow, the thought that a dumb teenage boy might have been hiding under my bed actually scares the shit out of me.

"Probably COCK-MASTER nothing. It kind of reminds me of SEXY Tweek's cell, don't you think?" I can't see, but I'm sure Thomas is grinning right now. I may be insanely jealous of him, but I'm not going to lie, he has a nice smile. I'm not attracted to him sexually or anything, but he's definitely what my mother would call 'an attractive young man'. Attractive in way that's not sexually appealing; I would hate that. It's even worse than being like me; so high-strung that you look like it so people think you're on drugs in a way that's not sexually appealing but you have a he-looks-easy-so-I'll-take-him look.

"It actually did. Hey, you want to go downstairs and watch another movie or something?" Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Craig! Go downstairs, don't look under the bed, just go downstairs and watch a movie. Wait, what if they make out when they watch movies? Knowing Craig, that's probably something he would do. Ah, I don't want him wanting Thomas more!

Alright, Craig, go downstairs, don't look under the bed, watch a movie, but don't make out. Am I being too demanding, Erg, I think I'm being too demanding. They're all possible to do, I mean, but there's a lot of orders. I wouldn't want to take those orders. I would be freaked out by those orders actually. I just realized that it's easier to give order than it is to take them. Why the hell didn't I realize that before?!

Finally, Craig and Thomas left and closed the door (good thinking, if Ruby or his Mom came by and saw me sneaking out, it would hit the fan! I don't even know what that means, but Cartman's said it before, um, whatever). I sneak out from under the bed, open the window, get outside, and close it again. I'm not going to lie, it's hard to do with one arm. Hopefully, Craig doesn't realize the window's unlocked again. It's such a small detail, someone like _me_ might notice it, but no one else would, right?

I get down from the tree as gracefully as I can, which is not saying much, so basically I didn't break any branches or bones, again, and run away.

BUZZZZZZZZZ!

Fucking phone.

"Grk! He-hello?"

"Well hiya Tweek! I tried calling you before, it was so weird, the phone rang, and hung up, and I didn't get voicemail, and I never thought your cellie did that…" He sort of mumbled 'it was so weird' and onwards in that uniquely-Butters way of his. He's done that ever since we were kids. Some habits die hard. And the fact that he called it a 'cellie' makes me chuckle, inside of course. Another trademark of Butters that developed after he got his first cell phone, which he felt very privileged to get on his sixteenth birthday, approximately five years after the rest of us did.

"H-huh, weird, eh?" Did I say eh? What am I, Canadian?

"Yeah, well, I just thought you should know, oh hamburgers, I don't know how to say this well, um, well, some of the adults around town apparently have been going onto some naughty sites, and well, um, some of them recognized you…" …..

…..

…..

…..

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I know it's bad, Tweeky, I just thought you should know. Oh golly, maybe I shouldn't a' told you….no I probably shouldn't a'. Why did I say that? I should just learn to shut my mouth and behave myself…" He mumbled those last two sentences too.

"OH NO! Butters, oh god Butters, what should I –ork- do?!" Ork? That's a new one.

"N-now Tweek, I think you can get through this. Just stand tall with your head held high, like Token and Clyde are, and you'll make it through. I know you can, little buddy." He always says that. 'Little buddy', I mean, when he's trying to cheer someone up. What am I thinking about that? People are going to call me the little gay kid!

"B-b-but, what if they start to call me 'that little gay kid? They're gonna shun me. Oh God! They're gonna shun me!" They're going to shun me! I don't want Butters' dad playing that horn again!

"W-well, Tweek, it isn't all that bad. Y-ya know, I'm still called that because of that youtube video the fellas made me make, the 'what-what-in-my-asshole' video, remember that? A-and, well shucks, I think I made it through that just fine! Heck, even when that nice nun and Father Maxi saw it, they didn't kick me outta the church or nothing!" The church! That's the perfect way to make me feel better, by getting my sins absolved!

"O-o-okay, thanks Butters! Y-you're, well, you're a real friend. Grk!" Ah, almost so touching.

"Aw, well shucks Tweek, it was nothing, really." I can tell that's he's blushing and doing that thing he does when he's really shy by looking down to the ground on his right while rocking his right foot behind him back and forth on the front of his shoes, it's kind of cute. Damn, gay moment, but oh well, it's Butters, he's gay too. I can have gay thoughts about him.

We hang up with out awkward stuttering good-byes (I can't pull off those touching moments well because I know how to start them, but I can't end them) and I run off to the church. I'm amazed that Clyde and Token are being so brave. Maybe because they were on top, they don't look as gay?

Luckily, South Park is pretty small, so it doesn't take long for me to get to the church. I try to enter as calmly, quietly, and discretely as I can. I can see some people praying, so I don't want to make a big scene when I come in. It's just kind of pretentious to make a big deal about being at church, or praying, or doing anything religious unless necessary, you know? I hate people who sit down at the diners and say 'oh Lord Jesus' incredibly loudly, unless they're cursing. That's only been me so far, but it could happen to someone else too, I guess.

My back just hit something. What was that. CLANG! Fuck, I just knocked over the holy water!

"Oh, Tweek, hello there! I almost didn't recognize you, you know, without all the twitching. Have you been calming down?" No.

"Yes."

"Oh good, well, what can I do for you today?" Well, Father Maxi, if you could help me not be quite so gay anymore and take off my porn video from the internet and erase the memories of the 10,000 people who've seen it that would be great. When did I get so sarcastic?

"I-I wanted to –erk- confess!"

"Well, just come on in, my son. I'd be happy to absolve you of your sins."

We both enter the confessional on opposite sides of the wall separating us. I don't really understand why we have a confessional, because everybody can recognize everyone else's voices in South Park. Like I said before, this is not all that big of a place.

"F-forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been-oh GOD I don't know how long it's been!-since my last confession! Ack!" Sadly, I can't even tell if I was talking to God or just cursing.

"That's fine, my son. Now, tell me what you need to confess." Where do I start? I don't really want to jump into the gay thing right away. Maybe I can sort of slide in the really bad ones in between normal sins and he won't notice. Alright Tweek, deep breath in…

"I've used the Lord's name in vain countless times and I'll probably never stop. I've sworn countless times and I'll probably never stop. I broke into someone's house. I lied countless times and I'll probably never stop. I gossip sometimes. I starred in a homosexual porno with my two best friends last night. I don't obey the wishes of my parents all the time. I don't obey the wishes of my teachers all the time. I made some discriminatory comments against gay people even though I question my own sexuality. I have copied Kyle Broflovski's homework and said it was my own. I have copied Token Black's homework and said it was my own. I have set up many mice traps around my room to hopefully harm small creatures called underpants gnomes, or to alert me of their presence. I sometimes doubt my belief in God, and I'll probably never stop. I sometimes sneak out back with my friends during church, and I'll probably never stop."

I said that without any stuttering whatsoever, and it even sounded somewhat like what my thoughts sound like, which is impressive. It would have been more impressive if I had managed to slow down my words enough so that I said that in more than 27.8 seconds.

"My son, many of those are normal sins that many people struggle with. Your penance for those will be two 'Hail Mary's and one 'Our Father' each. There are some that concern me though." Should I lie again and claim that he didn't hear me correctly?

"What are those-ack-father?"

"You broke into someone's house, I believe you said. Is that true?" Shit, I think he understood all of it.

"U-um, y-yes…"

"Did you steal anything?"

"No!"

"Either way, you should tell them and apologize." Wait, what if someone murdered someone else, would the priest just tell the guy to turn himself in? It's probably the best thing to do, but still, what good is going to confess to relieve your conscience if you're going to have to turn yourself anyways to be forgiven by God anyways? Isn't that just an extra step?

"Okay…"

"Now, you mentioned something about a homosexual pornographic film?" I guess that's the new politically correct word for 'gay porno' nowadays.

"U-um, yes…"

"That _was_ you?" Fuck.

"GAK!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, you should pray one rosary for that, and if anyone openly expresses their offense for what you did, then you should apologize. As well, I take it you were drunk when you made that video?"

"Erk! Yes…"

"You should try to control your drinking. You could do worse things that you could seriously regret, young man." I think it's kind of too late Father Maxi…

"And you said that you copied off of others?"

"Yes…" He has good hearing for an old guy. Wait, is it a sin to _think_ something like that?

"Are they aware that you copied?"

"Yes!" What kind of guy does he take me for? Wait, I did just tell him some pretty incriminating stuff, so that could alter his perception of me. If someone came up to me and told me things like that about them after I hadn't seen them in almost eight years, I probably wouldn't think too highly of them either.

"Alright, then don't do it anymore. Also, for the many things which you said 'I'll probably never stop', I commend your honesty but you should try to stop." Okay Father…

"And you also said that you have made some discriminatory comments? You should apologize for those who may have been hurt or offended. Maybe you could visit the Museum of Tolerance?" Oh god, not the Museum of Tolerance!

"Alright…."

"As for purposefully trying to harm small creatures called Underpants gnomes, I suggest you see a psychiatrist or some other type of licensed professional."

"Okay."

"And finally, maybe you shouldn't skip out on church. Being with your friends can be fun, and you can learn many things on your own that way, but sometimes it's better to learn lessons from someone else. You shouldn't have to make every mistake yourself." Hm, I think he has a good point there. Alright, I will stay in church!

"Thank you Father!"

We finished off the confession, and I did my prayers and left the Church to head home. I really like the advice he gave me. There was some really good stuff in there. I think I'm going to turn my life around a bit. No more lying, no more copying, no more discrimination, and most importantly, no more drinking!

BUZZZZZZZ! Jesus Christ I hate it when that thing goes off!

"GYAH! H-hello?" My worst greeting today.

"Hey Tweekers, it's Craig. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over for some drinks with me and Thomas sometime next week. You know, try to get over what happened last night. We all hate it when we're mad at each other anyways."

Am I allowed to start following penance _after_ next week? Or is that kind of defeating the purpose?

AN: WOOHOO! Done! My Dad read part of the first page, and the only thing he really saw was 'COCK-MASTER' in big letters. I've decided that Thomas will call Tweek either 'SEXY' or 'COCK-MASTER' when he has his ticks from now on.

Thank you so much for the reviews everyone! I'm going to start replying to every review I get! Besides, reviews are fun and motivating. Keep reading!


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